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Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
9:51 pm
So this morning was hell. I got into a thing with my mom. She was screaming at me to get up but the thing was i just went to bed an hour before to came in to wake me up. I was very depressed the night before. I was looking at my credit report trying to figure out a plan. I've got a couple of years before they fall off my record. It's not a smart idea if I go bancrupt. Anyways my mom made me so mad that It was pushing me over the edge I just wanted to die. I was made plans about how to do it. But latter that day I just wanted to sleep more than anything. It made me tried of the things i'd have to do before hand. I guess I'm lazy thats the only thing that stops me, it was just that feeling of overwhelmed as if she was asking way to much from me very very sad.
O don't forget I blasted Rage Against the Machine, Not gonna do what they tell ya. That was a favorite, you can imagine
anyways the sleep made me feel better not all crazy pycho now.

current mood: blank

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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
4:33 pm - another day
another black hole,
another casket for bed sheets
another pale face
another day without sunlight
another day in prison in my mind
another day without the need for food
another day without passion
another day without hope
another day with you
another day without liquor to suside the thoughts
another day
just another day

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Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
10:47 pm - i broke in and emailed him but i feel like shit cus i shouldn't have
(what i emailed to him)

Have you married her yet?

if so congratulations wish you much happiness.
from: a ghost

p.s. happy belated birthday, the dead never forget even if they are trying too


(what steve wrote to me)
thanks for the birthday wishes. My birthday was very low key this year, it came and it went without sound it seems. I hope you are well, and everything is good. Hopefully your life is taking you in the directions that you want to go, and that you are happy. I have not married her yet. Work is going better for me and I am slowly beginning to write again. I will be made full time soon and I might be going back to school for a while, to take some work related classes. I know your last email said disregard but I thought I would give you a small update if you were curious.

from: a fellow ghost

Steve

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Friday, November 12th, 2004
2:11 am
I went to a VIP concert for Live and Staind last saturday and it rocked. It was amazing free food and drinks. we had our own table and there was no more than 100 people total there. I talked to Arin for STaind and told him not to look at the time cus' he played amazingly. it was a really relaxed and real. He even forgot his own lryics and messed up once or twice. The guys that were around me knew the lryics better than I did which i thought was cute. I was no more than 5 feet for the bands.It was amazing night, in light that i had a break down at work that day. I almost didn't go cus' of my state, but monica was sweet and dragged me to go anyway. This concert took away all my worries.


Tonight I went to church. I was welcomed back with suck love and concern. It felt soo good. It was sincere. I hadn't gone to church in over 3 months but it felt like I hadn't missed a thing.
Thank you God for using me even when i feel useless and broken. Marissa came up and opened up to me. I councelled her a little bit. Then Erin Told me that SHE NEEDED ME (complete sincerity)
I'm loved and missed. It felt good.
Nicole is helping me find a job and Salimon is geting me an interview tommrow.
I think its going to be ok...

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2:08 am - like I Do-Live lyrics
"Like I Do"

Darling, I feel like a god when I am next to you
Something sacred, someone straight and true
Tell me, do you feel the same way too?

Darling, your face is radiant with the light of love
The kind that's sent straight down from up above
And now you're all I'm thinking of
Thinking of
Thinking of
Thinking of

Don't you give me loving like a revelation
Don't you make me burn and make me feel the danger
Salutations to the maker of my finest hour
Goddess, queen, mother, sister, lover
Don't you ever leave

Darling, I feel like a god when I am next to you
Something worth the worship of this honest fool
Tell me do you feel the same way too?
Like I do?
Like I do
Like I do

Don't you give me loving like a revelation
Don't you make me burn and make me feel the danger
Salutations to the maker of my finest hour
Goddess, queen, mother, sister, lover
Don't you ever
Don't you give me loving like a revelation
Don't you make me burn and make me feel the danger
Salutations to the maker of my finest hour
Goddess, queen, mother, sister, lover
Don't leave
Don't leave
Oh yeah
Don't leave
Don't you give me loving like a revelation
Don't you make me burn and make me feel the danger
Salutations to the maker of my finest hour
Goddess, queen, mother, sister, lover
Don't you ever
Don't you give me loving like a revelation
Don't you give me love
Don't you give me love
Don't you give me love
Don't you feel the same way like I do?
Like I do
Like I do
Like I do

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2:07 am - run away-live lyrics
"Run Away"

"Looks like I've lost my will to carry on, my friend" she said
And you can hear it in my whispered cries for love
I need your blissful touch to carry me away again
So can we roll tonight, roll through your desert, can we start over and just...

Run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory, but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right
We can just run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right

"Looks like I've lost my will to carry on, my friend" she said
I'm like a posse that's been ridin' for days
I've got the scars to prove that love has had its day and it's way with me
So can we roll tonight, roll through your desert, can we start over and just...

Run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right
We can just run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right

This ain't no night to be on your own
You've got to know where you're coming from
To know just where you're goin', lord
You've got to know where you're coming from
This ain't no night to be on your own

Run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory but I don't care, I don't care if its wrong or right
We can just run away, run away tonight
It aint no victory but I don't care
I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care
Run away
Run away
Run away

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Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
5:25 pm
I quit my job yesterday and I have an interview tommrow. I'm mixed emotions about it and not sure where my life is going.
fuck the whole missing steve thing, he doesn't miss me so why am i driving myself crazy about it, its over, done and never to be again.
get it in your skull bre he doesn't miss you or care that your gone. He has his own life and shit going on he doesn't want or need you in the least bit.
=get over it you stupid girl its such a waste of time.

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Friday, November 5th, 2004
11:55 pm - SHE HAS GONE INSANE
STEVE DO YOU MISS ME?
ANSWER ME!!!! DO YOU MISS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOW ME YOU DO
JUST SHOW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: crazy

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Thursday, November 4th, 2004
3:54 am - A girl with a pearl earing
I saw the movie tonight.
She inspired him to paint,
master and servant...
a story of a maid that understood him. That moved him. a love affair that made was made up of only deep looks, long touches, and of an attraction so strong in the air it tingled your skin. A love that never was but so strong captured in and though this painting. Lasting centuries to onlookers.

o what she holds in her eyes... he captured desire on canvas.

could i have been that to him?
As he would prefer, I will never know for certain.
Just like the many secrets he keeps deeply hidden to himself.
our hearts know the truth.

black silk golden dragons

current mood: artistic

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Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
12:01 am - elections
so George Bush II looks like he won. the crazy thing is
the top 3 reasons people are voting the are for
1. Moral character
2. the War on Terrorizm
3. Economy

most have said it was Moral Character
which is the reason i was pushed me to vote for Bush
I trust him more than Kerry
and I wish we had a better choice to chose from

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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
11:20 pm
this journal is just a outlet to release my minds ramblings. And as a warning to myself and anyone that stumbles across it, its just my dark closet of my own minds interpetations of feels,and emotions at that very instant that i updated the journal. Most of the time the situations are far more complex to sit here and write out everything. its just my way of releasing what i need too at that moment. so take this as half truth and pure emotion and far from reality.
Brianna

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11:16 pm - part two of Andrew's poems, its a song
writen after i broke up it off with him....
Haunted

I've seen this place before,
I know it all too well,
Its mist descends upon me,
In the catacombs of hell,
no, wait, it's all in my head,
the sting of fond memories,
sinking through my flesh, the dread,
remembering words she said.

This place is haunted,
but I have returned,
to free the ghosts,
trapped in my head,
with broken silence,
and a smile,
I walk away.

Your feet up on my dashboard,
we're driving far away,
back to those carefree days,
just before you went away,
but when I look beside me,
there is nothing to be seen,
you are gone and free,
and all that's left is me.

This place is haunted,
but I have returned,
to free the ghosts,
trapped in my head,
with broken silence,
and a smile,
I walk away.

Of all the things I remember,
I don't know if any of it's real,
but if you make me a promise,
then I'll make you a deal,
just tell me what happened,
and I won't ask again,
I just need to know,
then I can go....

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11:06 pm - just found this poem that Andrew wrote for me few years ago
I just wish I had a container,
that was bigger than my heart,

so I could take in all the pain,
that tore her life apart,

and lock it up, and empathize,
and help ease it away,

but instead I'm choking and shaking,
and I don't know what to say.


I'm speechless.
...
...
...
What can I say now?


I just wish I had all the answers,
that the universe can hold,

so I can fix her problems,
and leave nothing left untold,

but I just can't understand,
why the world did that to her,

and my useless mind is blistering,
and I'm swallowing my words.


I'm speechless.
...
...
...
What can I say now?

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11:05 pm - got it in my email today
IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right....

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

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10:11 pm
a new word for the day

e·ro·to·ma·ni·a
1. Excessive sexual desire.
2. Psychiatry. A delusional, romantic preoccupation with a stranger, often a public figure.

a movie called he loves he loves me not. by the way great title. Learned that I could be crazy and have made up everything i felt for steve.
lets see the closing lines of the movie were

"Thou my love is insane,
myreason calms the pain in my heart,
It tells me to be patient and keep hoping."

- A Erotomania institutionalized for 50 years

maybe I'm not that far from that? that was the scary thing of watching this movie, that i'm a few marbles from insane.
Or maybe the whole world everyone is insane and its not just me.

current mood: distressed

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3:51 am
I thought of brian today. I saw this movie called the girl next door. something about the guy reminded me of him. to bad he lied to me and it couldn't have worked out, I still think of him from time to time. His eyes so clear and passionate.
anyways just lissoning to Hope Sandival, Clear day. and i thought about that song too as we sat on the couch and cuddled I haven't forgotten.
bre

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Friday, October 22nd, 2004
1:13 am - Steve’s Birthday blues
No one but you left in my thoughts
today is your birthday and Its spent missing you
craving you
shivering in the cold
my our 8 year long love affair
is over now
over!!!
where are you my love
please be here with me don’t leave me a lone
did you now I broke all the rules and I rang your doorbell today?
I took all that was in me and walked up to the door and rang the bell
everything I had self worth, pride, shame, I took all and laid it at that door step
and no one answered
NO ONE just like the person I’m desiring to see.
Empty like the doorstep
did you notice my presence was missing today?
did you feel my acid burning tears drip from my checks?
did you know I was calling out your name?
the sad thing is I’m sure you didn’t.
did you?

current mood: distressed

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Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
12:13 pm
TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY. I"M not calling and forcing myself to let go. Its been months now and its begining to fade the feelings for him.
I'm just down right now cus' of the weather, its raining and its kinda cold right now. I danced in the rain and went over to deon's house a few days ago in my my bra and jeans. He had a look of total surprise on his face. A little in a bad way, cus' his boodie call was over. He told me a friend was over (it was two in the morning) I"m not a fool. It was still fun just being outgoing and crazy to show up a guys window poring wet and say that i stop by to give him wet dreams.
that was fun
besides that just has been weird. * wants me to hang out with ** but its weird cus' i get a vibe I shouldn't from ** and something a little from me. I think my is just loneliness. so I'm putting a ten foot pole on that shit. way to fucking weird and sick. never in my life will i do that shit.
-brez

current mood: melancholy

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Monday, October 11th, 2004
9:39 pm
Wow weird day,mom and Armando talked today. Very strange.....
Thanks God
It was very weird between them.
Work just sucked they are on a such a power trip!!!

So anyways
besides that I"m doing great in the dating seen I'm talking to three different Hot Guys and Its really fun being out on the market...
I'm loveing it
I'm saving the mother fucking PRETTY

current mood: accomplished

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Sunday, September 26th, 2004
7:56 pm - HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU
So I saw Oprah the other day and it home with me in everything i was doing when it came to relationships. So I broke it off with Jonathan. From his reply sounded like he was pissed but i just don't care. I was very clear what I wanted from him and He just couldn't or wouldn't give it to me.
P.S. I just found out that He might have hooked up with this nasty old married lady at my work. She was always a bitch to me and now it makes sense what a DOG.
this is what I wrote him and what he responed in 20 minutes, mostly taking long to look up he big words that he acts as if he uses on an every day basis. ha ah hahahaha


Jonathan,
By you not responding to my emails and or call is your answer.

Thanks for the nice offer of working for you but please don't do me any favors. I know deep down you mean well. You have such a big heart but honesty is worth so much more to me.
I 'm going to stick to my gut feeling about this and just walk away before its gets ugly.

The reason I got in contact with you again was because it felt was so unfinished between us, And I truly did care about you and missed you.
I'm the stupid girl because you told me what was up and I wanted to believe something that wasn't true that you cared for me in a way that you flat out didn't.
When we were at the Ville' I know that I was getting checked out by more than half the place, and could have almost anyone I wanted that night but the crazy thing was I only had freaking' eyes for you.
I get it now, YOUR JUST NOT THAT INTO ME and that's ok. I just need to deal with that and move on and find someone who is. There is a lot of wonderful things about me that some other guy with not let the moment pass by.
I'm a feakin 10 and if you can't see it, that's your loss not mine.

Good-bye Jonathan and I hope you find what you are looking for,
-Bre

20 minutes latter......

listen - I was serious about what I said. Just because I didn't respond to your email asap, isn't indicative of anything aside from the obvious: I am a very busy person. I think you're confused about one or two things, and to be honest, I resent the implication in your last email. You're a very presumptuous person - and while this may ordinarily serve you quite well - it has clearly impugned your perceived understanding of me. I'm not a simple person, and I despise being juxtaposed to others. Inasmuch, I'm not particularly fond of other people's opinions concerning how I should or should not react in a given situation. I am not competing with anyone. Evidently you seem to be of the opinion that I should be - this, again, is an erroneous, and more importantly, an unfounded assumption.

Z

current mood: cheerful

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